The Messy Middle

A gentle reflection on the in-between of therapy

We talk a lot about the beginning of therapy. The overwhelm, the courage it takes to start. We also often look toward the end. The clarity, the growth, the peace we’re hoping to find. But rarely do we talk about the middle. The space between where you started and where you hope to end up. The messy, confusing, in-between part. That’s what this post is about.

What is the messy middle?

When I talk about the messy middle, I mean the phase in therapy where change has already begun. You’ve started to notice differences in the way you think and respond to the world around you. You’ve gained more self-awareness. But you’re not quite where you want to be yet, and you’re certainly not back where you started.

This part of the process is often where people begin to notice the ripple effects of their work. You may start recognising the habits that no longer serve you, or feel more tuned in to behaviours that once went unnoticed. You might even begin to sense that your lifestyle, your boundaries, or your relationships are ready for change, but knowing that and doing that are two very different things.

Why does this stage feel so uncertain?

It’s completely normal to feel unsure during this phase. You’re still adjusting, learning, and making space for a new way of relating to yourself. You’re understanding yourself differently now, and that shift in perspective can feel destabilising. There’s often a gap between awareness and action, between knowing something needs to change and actually knowing how to do it.

In many ways, you’re working with a new version of yourself, and that version is still taking shape.

What does the messy middle feel like?

This phase can come with its fair share of ups and downs. Some days, you might feel hopeful, proud, or even relieved when you notice changes in yourself. Other days, you might feel low again, frustrated by what seems like a setback or unsure whether any of it is working.

It’s normal to feel emotionally tired. In fact, emotional work can be just as physically exhausting as any other challenge. You may notice tension, fatigue, or mental fog. That’s because you’re doing something hard. You’re rewriting the way you relate to yourself, your thoughts, your patterns, your responses. That takes energy.

I often remind clients that therapy is like building a muscle. You won’t get stronger overnight. You have to show up consistently and work with it. And yes, sometimes it’s tiring, uncomfortable, even boring. But you’re building something.

Why does it help to normalise this?

Because if we don’t talk about this part, people assume they’re doing it wrong.

I’ve seen it time and time again. Clients feel stuck or disappointed that they haven’t gotten there yet. Sometimes they underestimate how much emotional effort therapy takes. Sometimes they feel guilty that it’s not linear. And sometimes they just feel plain worn out. If we don’t normalise that this is part of the work, it’s easy to feel like progress is out of reach.

What’s actually happening in this stage?

This is the part where you have hard conversations with yourself. The ones that make you shift in your seat. You’re confronting beliefs you’ve held for a long time. You’re seeing things in yourself and in others that were once hidden. You’re growing into the version of you that you want to become, and that often means sitting with discomfort along the way.

The real shifts often happen quietly. A pause before a reaction. A second thought before a spiral. A moment of catching yourself after something unkind slips out, followed by, "I know that’s not helpful, I just can’t shake it." These may feel small, but they’re signs of deeper awareness. And that’s powerful.

How can we support ourselves in the messy middle?

One question I often ask clients is, "What do I need right now?"

It’s a simple question, but it helps you connect to your needs as they are, not what they were, or what you think they should be. Your needs will shift as you grow. What works for you one day may not work the next. That’s okay. Tuning in to those shifts is part of what helps you move through this phase with more care.

What do I notice as a therapist?

Some of my favourite moments are when clients catch themselves in the act of old thinking and name it. Maybe they say something self-critical and follow it with, "I know that’s not completely fair, I just can’t help it." They may not have stopped the thought yet, but they see it. And that moment of insight, of calling it out, is a huge sign of progress.

These moments matter. They tell me that the work is landing, even if the client can’t always see it yet.

A final word on progress

You don’t have to feel different to be making progress. Showing up each week, sitting through discomfort, being open to reflection, all of that is progress.

If you’re still going, still engaging, still willing to be curious about yourself even when it’s hard, you’re not stuck. You’re right in the middle of it. And you’re doing the work.

Looking for support?

If this post resonated with you and you're in a place where support feels needed, you're warmly invited to reach out for one-to-one sessions. Therapy can offer a grounded space to explore exactly where you are, especially when you’re in the messy middle of change.

You can also follow along on Instagram or TikTok at @acerbistherapy for regular motivation, weekly reminders when new blogs are posted, and a space to ask questions or suggest topics you’d like to see covered. You don’t have to do this work alone, and you’re always welcome in the conversation.